Year Six

Welcome to the beginning of year six.

You will experience some of the following....

•  shorter but more frequent bouts of apathy.
•  social frustration. 
•  astounding stories.
•  distraction. 
•  motivation.
•  illness... unbelievable illness. 

I can't believe how life twists and turns. My personal life is upside down. I'm kind of okay with it. If someone told my life was going to be like this even a year ago, I would have a hard time believing you. Upside-down, inside-out and backwards!

School, I've been missing classes here and there. Health problems taking me out of stuff already. 3 weeks into year 6 and I've had one voice lesson. I have a freaking recital next semester. This wagon has GOT TO GET MOVING. Supposed to be performing on Tuesday. Must hurry and re-memorize.

Aquacise has been AWESOME. I'm sore every day. I'm working out. I feel good. I just need to practice paying better attention to what I need to get done each day. Distraction takes hold like a very protective dog and I feel stuck in this constant tug-o-war.

Choir has been outstanding. The retreat went off well. Nothing went wrong that could have been prevented. It's such a great group. I feel like we've purged a lot of the bad attitude and bitter students.

Complaints have run rampant this semester. Teachers, classes, social, romantic... and I really do believe in assessment. But in so many cases, I hear repetitive complaints. This class is a waste of time. I don't even know what I'm doing. This teacher is ridiculous. Indignation reigns supreme, particularly in classes like form an analysis. I've been thinking about this for the past two days. Gebitching. There has been SO MUCH gebitching from everyone. If even half the effort or passion was applied in the effort to understand or seek answers (even if need be, OUTSIDE OF CLASS) we would all be experts on the topic.

Real question: What is the use of complaining if we're not doing anything to organize and take steps to actually change something?! Or are we so limited by our inability to see outside ourselves that we cannot understand where someone is coming from long enough to think about why they are engaging in the behavior that frustrates us?

Anyway... before I get all worked up and pissed off... Our last concert choir rehearsal was amazing. We're working on Morten Lauridsen's "Sure On This Shining Night."

Sure on this shining night
Of starmade shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.
The late year lies down the north
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.

Hearts all whole
Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder wand'ring far alone
Of shadows on the stars.

The rehearsal was delightfully vulnerable. Everyone was engaged. Everyone was contributing... it felt so good to be a part of the whole...   people coming together and working together for an artistic goal. It was familial.

Nanette

That story I owed you...

So where were we? The bad kiss/gun/smoooooth guy.

In tactful detail, hippy guy from earlier in the summer comes over the next day around one. He and I have a good time, just like before. He sticks around until 6:30pm. Just in time for the next date at 7:00pm.

7pm guy is a freelance writer. We meet at Goody's. He loves movies, music, books. His mom was a concert violinist who married a conductor. He also informs me that he did a lot of blow in the 90's. We talk about drug usage...   "I'm a naturally tense person...  I really liked that buzzing energy."

The next day I'm scheduled to meet gun guy for coffee and to let him know I'm not interested. 5pm... 5:05pm... 5:30 pm... 6:00pm... He doesn't show up. Well, saved me from having to have THAT conversation.

Hours: 48
Dates scheduled: 4
Dates attended: 3

What an interesting summer it's been.
Nanette

An Aside...

Okay.... I know, I owe you at least 3 stories about some crazy dates.

However, school is starting and already the social hemisphere of my life is exploding. This year ZERO TOLERANCE FOR BULLSHIT. I'm not going to play the "let's stroke ego's" game. I'm not going to tell you that you don't need to practice. I'm not going to tell you that they won't notice. I'm not going to tell you that it's okay that you're unprepared. I'm not going to tell you that I think that you poop gold, your farts don't stink and you might be the most flawless person on earth.

I'm probably going to socially isolate myself. I'm okay with that. I think I'd actually prefer it. There's so fewer issues that way. I know I say this every year, then wind up with complaining sessions at my house. Or feeling like I need the adrenaline of people. But even that has lost it's edge.

I just want to freaking graduate.

So, dear person reading this, I'm sorry if I ignore you because I'm concentrating or you're not my immediate concern. You are worthwhile, it's not because I think less of you. It's only that for the first time in my life I'm going to actually pull up my pants and get my own stuff done before catering to everyone else's emotional and social needs.

Maybe that's what it takes to graduate.

I make a commitment to be a better communicator this year. To be direct. To make decisions. To not stress out. To not compare myself or others. To just like the way things are... and when I don't... to do something about it.

I really want to go into specifics here, but I'm sure than an online forum isn't the best way to vent. Oh the wisdom of years... or the arrogance...   who knows.

Nanette

24 INTENSE hours

As a preface, I know I'm retarded. Hush up.

Okay, placed an online personal ad in efforts to stir up some straight dating... or even make some straight friends. Stop feeling that "DANGER, Will Robinson!" feeling, I know what I'm doing. IT'S HARD!

Date one - Intense guy.
Brings over a movie... I have a friend on call elsewhere that if I don't contact by midnight, was going to stop by. A movie I've never seen. As soon as the movie starts, he begins talking. So much for the movie. He's irrational. Aggressive. Prone to anger. He keeps telling me I'm everything he could want. I'm smart, wonderful, talented, intriguing, beautiful. Nothing puts me on guard like compliments. PARTICULARLY when they don't know me.   He takes a trip to the bathroom... then jumps up on my bed. I heard him not wash his hands. ugh. He pretends to be into what we're watching... but I can see he's watching me out of the corner of his eye...  "Don't fuck with me. I'm an experienced people watcher," I think to myself. He keeps scooting closer. I'm on the edge of the bed. We're lying on our stomachs...   propped up by our arms... then he takes one arm and puts it around my shoulders.

please. Take a moment. Imagine how awkward that is.

"Ohhh! Smooth!" I tease.
"You want to see smooth?"
"well..."
He goes in for a kiss. It's wet, frantic, tobacco-y and BAD. I think... nerves? The part of me that I hate and curse says everyone deserves a second chance... and boy does he need one. Allow a second kiss. Still bad. Sealed his fate. SEALED IT. DONE. FINI.

"Hey, it's almost midnight. I've got early work tomorrow morning. I've gotta go to bed. I'm tired and that's not fair to either of us."

Send him packing and cringe at the awkwardness that I ALLOWED. I ALLOWED. I ALLOWED. I'm a powerful, pushy woman who determines where her life goes and what enters it.. and I ALLOWED it.

"we still on for coffee tomorrow?"
"sure."

I CONTINUED TO ALLOW IT. I wish I could take "be an immediate bitch 101." So not feeling it.

Next day... date 2 and 3.
Will report in the next installment.

A little behind... but not bummed?

hah! puns.

okay...   Behind in the whole writing thing. With good reason though, been involved in summer rep. Making fresh new friends. Doing crazy things. Volunteering. Feeling useful.

Gotta start planning camp. Gotta start looking at my recital. Gotta enjoy the last dregs of summer. Dear July, You've gone toooooo quickly. love, Nanette

Secrets...

Jacob and I went to I.F. yesterday to deposit secrets (cards with artistically attached bits of our information). Mine still weren't completely secret. I don't really have much that I keep from the world, or anyone in particular. Life is easier when you're not keeping things from people. It's not like I have the overwhelming urge to share everything in my life with everyone. I just don't feel that any of it is dramatic enough to be secretive. www.postsecret.com

Stupid Drama. I'm in the middle of something right now. I shouldn't say anything about specific parties. But more than anything, I DESPISE being put in the middle. The most productive way to solve any problems or animosities is to talk directly to the person with whom you have issues. Trouble only gets bigger when more people know about it.

Now I'm sure the word "hypocrite" could be used right now. I'm an external processor. I talk, I reason, I write. That's how I figure out my problems. Usually it comes back to bite me in the ass. But when I'm doing this, I just want someone to listen. I don't want someone to get involved. I don't want a resolution to my problem. I want to be heard. That's why I like writing so much. I can say my peace before someone tries to magically swoop in and solve my problems or in most cases, complicate the matter further. 

A phrase keeps floating through my head... directly associated with the current situation. "my words, as weapons." Whenever we talk, my words, instead of being a thought process, or a way to sift through the jumbled mess of life, turn into these pain nuggets. Hoard the pain nuggets, sir. Use them to hurt. Use them to do evil. Collecting ammo. On the defense. Thinking how they can use them to come out on top. It's villainous. 

That must feel like a very difficult life; thinking everyone is against you. If life has taught me anything... it's that people just don't think that much about you. People think about themselves. People think about their own advancement. It's not horrible, it's not selfish, it just IS. Sometimes others get hurt along the way. Apologize. I have yet to meet someone who feels their purpose is to directly interfere with others' lives. 

Meddlers do exist. Buttinskies. People who thrive on drama. But I'm quite positive they don't feel that their job in life is to directly screw with people. I'm pretty sure there's either A) an absence of direction or B) A need to connect or be recognized, AKA attention whoredom. (I, personally, identify with B). 

I believe it was John Green who once said... "The better you do at imagining what it's like to be other people, the happier you'll be." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd_bVk3ajk0&feature=related   

I completely, wholeheartedly agree. Empathy is the key to understanding another person's actions and resolving conflict. 

Loves, 

Nanette

A Summer Challenge

I've been struck by utter boredom and complete dissatisfaction this past week. True to form, that means imploding and self-destructive thoughts. So in order to escape my brain, to escape my own discernment, I came up with a list of things to keep myself busy.

No. You can't see the list.

However, one of the challenges is to do at least a ten-minute write, five days a week. Starting here...   that way I have someone (you), to keep me accountable.

Today's immediate worries... 

• Finances - of course. Summer always sucks as far as money is concerned. An abundance of time, but not an abundance of work hours. A more efficient person would get a second job. But as I'm severely limited by lack of car, I would have to get something on campus... if only there were more jobs on campus. But alas, a couple more months of the poor-itude and it will be over. 
• Graduation - I know it's a year away. But the imminent doom of post-graduation life is daunting. Paying back loans. Getting a "real" job. Going to grad school? Moving somewhere new. I keep suppressing those thoughts... however, now is the time to start making lists and preparations to make that transition a little easier. 
• Weight - It has been summer of the fat cow. A constant criticism of everything I'm doing, or not doing, is niggling at the back of my head. It's on the list... Breaking patterns, breaking habits, creating new ones. Replacement behavior. Structure. Forethought. Trying to make healthier decisions easier to make and more beneficial. 

One of the other things on the list is trying to be less negative/cynical. So I also need to acknowledge the things that are going well for me.

Today's good things... 

• A trip to Idaho Falls with Jacob... putting secrets in the post secret books. 
• Mark A. is in town. Good and bad... sometimes he propels my negative thinking forward. But I will look at this trip as the chance to be incredibly positive. 
• A new book... *drool*
• A short shift.
• Expressed interest in the management position in the fall. I might be considered for it. Waiting to get my hopes up. Either way, there will probably be pay raises in August. 

Oh lists, you make life see so much more manageable, organized and easier to face. Must keep making lists. Inspirational lists. heh. 

To avoid stagnancy... It's also on the list to make daily goals.

Today's goals...

• Spend recreational time OUTSIDE: night walk, read on the quad, meander down old town... JUST GET OUT OF THE FREAKING HOUSE. 
• Get halfway done with the book. 
• Refuse to get pulled into the nasty, dramatics between people. 
• Relax and learn how to enjoy summer

Loves, 

Nanette